The Land Before Everyone Froze to Death is the long-awaited sequel to JitteryDragon's Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies. Immediately following Pterano's rise to power as a demi-god, the Great Valley undergoes a very harsh winter that will inevitably lead to everyone freezing to death.
There's also some epic plot twist involving Mr. Thicknose talking way, way too much about stuff nobody cares about and overall being an ignorant boob. He really had it coming when he, you know, was immasculated for disbelieving in snow.
If freezing to death doesn't kill those children, then by golly, an epic battle between God Pterano and a mysterious challenger will most certainly do them in! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!
...excuse me...I need to sit down for a moment...
Synopsis
Part 1
Long, long long long long ago, there was this stupid blond-haired kid who decided it would be a good idea to use a gas-burner to cook some beans. Thankfully, his parents were on vacation at the time, so they had no idea that he would take it upon himself to cook his own food. The kid's parents were most likely retarded bums! I mean, seriously--who puts window curtains so close to gas burner stove anyway?! It's almost like the parents purposefully wanted to...wait...come to think of it, these parents might actually be a pair of greedy bastards who want to get rich off of home insurance. Yup, makes sense.
So yeah, the curtains ineveitably catch fire, all because of that dumb-arse kid. All of a sudden, shit starts exploding, faces catch fire, and frying pans fall from a the sky! The whole scene was very spicy, indeed.
Later, Some G.I. guy came to the scene, assessd it, and deemd the kid better off with a face full of fire. And who can argue with a G.I. Joe?
Thus follows the story how the age of dinosaurs began (according to Mr. Thicknose). His story's adverse effects cause Ducky to start vomiting out a variety of...stuff, including the enclosed instruction book. Meanwhile, Littlefoot incessantly interrupts Mr. Thicknose's storytelling with a bunch of stupid questions about the validty of all these facts with little-to-no backing. Naturally, Mr. Thicknose develops a passionate hatred towards Littlefoot, and his brain explodes in a mass of gushing blood pouring out of eye-socket like red Kool Aid.
Littlefoot gets wet. Later, Littlefoot attempts to pass himself off as Gordon Freeman, fails miserably, and is shot by Mr. Thicknose.
CRITICAL HIT!
More things catch fire as time goes on, including Mr. Thicknose's rump which The King generously extinguishes. Thus, the children are given time to temporarity escape Mr. Thicknose's wrath, which they use to appropriate their own wrathh against Petrie by crushing him multiple times with a watermelon. Fruit-rights activists are mildly annoyed.
Meanwhile, Ducky feels funny. Cera convinces her that she is dead. Ducky's face turns into a pizza pie. No questions are asked.
Spike, on the other hand, discovers a long-lost female clone of himself while rummaging through her bush...err, I mean, through the bushes. However, it turns out--through ridiculous amounts of research that should never have been conducted--that Tippy may or may not actually be a male. This revelation causes Spike's face to overload, creating an error in his networking (Send Error Report or Don't Send?) ...and then his face catches fire!
The King reacts accordingly.
Part 2
JitteryDragon would like me to inform you that this particualr epsode is not for little babies. Parental guidance is not recommended when watching this video as your children, else you'll probably become concerned about all the strange stares that your children get when they start yelling things like "PINGAS" over and over again. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is about all of this. Jitt has never been this hard about censorship before, so why should he be sticking his big fat nose into my business about it, huh?! It's almost like I'm not getting paid to write useless stuff here and...wait...
Oh, and now for an obligatory forum plug: http://s6.invisionfree.com/JD_Fan_Forum/
Come and say, "G'day, mate!" like all those Australian stereotypes do. I promise you that we won't trace you and look for you. We don't have the resources to do that kind of thing!
...But if we did, by golly...
Hmmm....thought the king to himself, I wonder what's for din-Arrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!! The king had become a victom of Zelda's Smart Sword--a sword that would kill anyone friendly! I guess a smart sword isn't so smart when wielded by a stupid person. So, tragically, the King began to die and they did the only sensible things anyone would do in their places. They LOL'd IRL.
Then there was something about a skeleton growing a PINGAS? I don't remember, honestly, I'm trying to drown out he droning sound of Mr. Thicknose's voice as he tried to prove snow didn't exist. Next thing you know, he'll be trying disprove the existence of falling frying pans! The nerve of some people! Bah! Let God Pterano sort'em out--they'll all be dead in the end anyway! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Spike is all depressed because...well, because he's Spike. Also, he's so ugly, that his own reflection can't bear to look at him. Spike's surrogate mother (who is also the mother of Ducky but wasn't given a name because nobody cares about her) tells Ducky to go cheer up Spike. well, obviously this idea is stupid because Spike SUCKS!
Spike falls into the mud...wait, scratch that! Apparently that stuff isn't mud. It's...well, I'd rather that I didn't know what it was.
Tippy's mother arrives and discovers Spike's surrgate mother. Now, because of the inherent racism associated with all Spiketails (y'know, genetics and all that), Tippy's mother's head catches fire and she begins a custudy battle with Ducky's mother over Spike's rightful place in the world. Unfortunately, because governments wouldn't be invented for another 20 million years or so, they settle for allowing Spike to make his own choice in the matter. Naturally, Spike abondons his surrogate family because he's stupid.
Then the sun falls and breaks in half. Apparently, God Pterano is playing pool with the planets! Hahaha! That was the funniest thing--you shouldn've seen the look on your face! You were all like, "Meh?!" and I was all like "LOL!" and then Phonofoot was all like, "It flew real low..." and...
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *slams keyboard against the table repeatedly*
What happens next? Oh, Ducky's mother reveals that she lives in a giant bucket. Spike and Tippy start sleeping with each other and...and there's totally nothing gay about that. Ice cream isn't snow (who knew?) and Grandmother Longneck's head explodes after she realizes that all the snow that fell around them last night wasn't actually snow it was...well, apparently Grandpa Longneck had been up all night...and Littefoot probably...you know, I'm not even going to go there.
Spike has diaherra...it was like a storm raging inside him. However, it was written that only Link could defeat Ganon. So he went to go grab his stuff, but his sword was all he really needed. But where could it be found? A-ha! The sword was still inside the King's chest! He didn't seem to notice or care about it, however, as he continued drinking copious amounts of wine and letting it pour out of his chest like Niagra falls.
So God Pterano has this whole ultimatum thing going on with the Great Valley because he's awesome and stuff and he's like "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" and stuff and he's, like, making snow fall and killing absolutely everything. Y'know, because he's evil and he's got all that power. And then Petrie appears on the television screen and starts dancing, much to everyone's shock...except for his own. He likes watching himself dance.
The King get's arrow'd in the meantime and starts crying like the big baby that he is.
Anyway, I know you're all wondering what the moral of the story is. Well, I'll tell you: don't eat Octaroks! Seriously, don't do it! They'll cause you throw up so much, that if you ever covered your mouth the entire world would explode!
This has been a very special PSA brought to you by JitteryDragon and some kid that he found on the street whose house had burned down because he was playing with a hot stove.
Thank you, and have a pleasant day!
Part 3
The King is scrubing the floors in Hyrule, until a wotwot launches a missle at the king which kills him. In the Great Valley, Littlefoot was right about the snow, and the dinosaurs booing Mr. Thicknose for his weirdness. Then Mr Triceratops ask the Spiketail Leader about the snow, Petrie throws random snowballs everywhere. Grandpa Longneck and Littlefoot who was thinking about the snow. Later the snow covers more of the Great Valley, God Pterano's evil laugh at the crystal ball showing the Great Valley under an Ice Age. Also LittleFoot says "I was Frozen today". Luigi burns Mario's cd into fire, which cause Phonofoot's Death, Petrie informs Ducky that the Spiketails are leaving the Valley. Ducky's Mom tells her Daughter that Spike will be Back. In the cemetary, Phonofoot comes back from the dead.
Part 4
In Space, God Pterano is watching T.V. in his SkyBase, until he notices Phonofoot is Revived. Back in Earth, Littlefoot, Petrie and Cera are building a snow version of Spike, Ducky's mom ask them where is Ducky. The Spiketails and Spike were moving fast, there's Pills, Spike falls down with Tippy. A random scene where thr Spiketail leader screaming. Ducky's Mom shot herself with a gun after relized that Ducky is going after Spike told by the 3 dinos. They continue the journey to bring back Ducky and Spike. Mr. Thicknose joins them, also there's Phonocera, Phonopetrie, and Phonofoot.
Mr. Thicknose needs to go Poopy. The 4 notices the Spiketail tracks, until Petrie encounters GOD PTERANO, which he kills Petrie, and say in Spy(TF2) voice, until God Phonofoot shots him, and the battle of the Gods begins.
Part 5
Part 6
Production
- Any actual plot in this adventure is purely accidental.
- The falling frying pan was inspired by real-life events which will not be described in any reliable detail.
External Links
- Coming soon...
References
- None.